From Hikikomori to Working 5 Days a Week: 3 Things Parents Must Stop Doing

From Hikikomori to Working 5 Days a Week at a Restaurant: 3 Things Parents Must Stop Doing

A message from Tokyo to parents in Hong Kong, Singapore, and across Asia struggling with school refusal and social withdrawal.

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Who Is Writing This?

My name is Takanori Sugiura, founder and representative of the General Incorporated Association for the Prevention of School Refusal and Hikikomori, based in Tokyo, Japan.

For over 40 years, I have supported more than 10,000 children and families dealing with school refusal (futoko) and hikikomori (prolonged social withdrawal). Our success rate exceeds 90%.

I am also a former school refusal child myself. I couldn’t attend school during junior high, later studied abroad in the United States, and eventually devoted my life to helping young people find their way back to society.

Today, I want to share a real story — and three critical lessons — that apply not only to families in Japan but also to parents in Hong Kong, Singapore, and throughout Asia who are facing similar challenges.

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This Article Is for You If:

• Your child has been refusing to go to school for more than 6 months
• Your child has withdrawn from social life and stays in their room most of the day
• You have been told to “just wait and watch” — but nothing is changing
• You feel exhausted and don’t know what to do next
• You are a parent in Hong Kong, Singapore, or elsewhere in Asia looking for proven solutions

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The Growing Crisis — Not Just in Japan

In Japan, the term hikikomori (ひきこもり) refers to individuals who withdraw from society and remain isolated at home for an extended period — often months or years. The Japanese government estimates that over 1.46 million people are currently in a state of hikikomori.

But this is not a uniquely Japanese problem.

In Hong Kong, research has identified a growing number of young people who are socially withdrawn, with studies estimating that tens of thousands of youth show hikikomori-like symptoms. The pressure of the education system, family expectations, and the aftermath of the pandemic have intensified the problem.

In Singapore, mental health professionals have also noted rising cases of prolonged social withdrawal among adolescents and young adults, often masked by academic performance or family silence.

The pattern is strikingly similar across cultures:

• A child gradually stops attending school
• They spend increasing time alone in their room
• Communication with family breaks down
• Parents feel helpless, ashamed, and isolated
• Years pass with no improvement

If this sounds familiar, please keep reading.

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What Is Happening in Our Consultation Room Right Now

Let me share some current data from our practice in Tokyo.

Between December 2024 and February 2025, we received a total of 60 consultation requests:

• December: 27 cases
• January: 19 cases
• February: 14 cases

73% of these consultations came from families in the Tokyo metropolitan area.

The spike in December is not a coincidence. During the year-end holidays, families spend more time together, and problems that have been simmering beneath the surface suddenly become impossible to ignore.

Here is the most important pattern we see: by the time families contact us, most have already been “waiting” for over a year. They were told to give their child space. They were told it would resolve on its own. It didn’t.

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A True Story: From Total Withdrawal to Working 5 Days a Week

Let me tell you about a young man in his twenties.

He had been a hikikomori for years. He could not leave his room. He could not face his parents. He could not imagine any kind of future.

Today, he works 5 days a week at Matsuya — a well-known fast-food chain in Japan.

When a customer says “Gochisousama” (thank you for the meal), he replies “Arigatou gozaimasu” (thank you very much).

It may sound simple. But for someone who couldn’t speak to another person for years, this is a profound transformation.

And here is the key point: he was not the first one to change. His parents were.

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The 3 Things Parents Must Stop Doing

Based on 40 years of experience and more than 10,000 cases, here are the three things that parents must stop doing if they want their child to recover from hikikomori or school refusal.

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❌ STOP #1: Lecturing with Logic

“How long are you going to sleep all day?”
“What about your future?”
“Everyone else is managing just fine.”

These words come from a place of love and genuine concern. I understand that.

But logical arguments are the most dangerous weapon you can use against a child in withdrawal — precisely because they are correct.

Your child already knows they should be doing something. They already feel the shame, the guilt, the self-hatred. When you add logical pressure on top of that, you leave them with no escape. The only option they have is to retreat further.

What to do instead:
Stop trying to say the “right” thing. Instead, focus on creating an atmosphere of safety. Your child needs to feel that they won’t be judged before they can take even the smallest step forward.

This applies equally whether your family communicates in Cantonese, Mandarin, English, or Japanese. The emotional dynamic is universal.

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❌ STOP #2: Waiting Indefinitely Under the Name of “Watching Over”

“Let’s wait until they’re ready.”
“Don’t push them — it will make things worse.”
“They’ll come around eventually.”

This is perhaps the most common — and most damaging — advice that parents receive from well-meaning counselors, teachers, and even mental health professionals.

Yes, respecting your child’s pace is important. But “waiting” and “neglecting” are two completely different things.

In our experience, families who have followed the “wait and see” approach for 3 years or more are tragically common. And among them, the number of cases where the situation improved naturally, without any external intervention, is virtually zero.

The right approach is this: the right person, at the right time, with the right method. A skilled third party — someone who is neither a parent nor a teacher — can break through walls that families alone cannot.

What to do instead:
Set a deadline for waiting. If there has been no meaningful change in 6 months, seek professional help immediately. Do not wait for the “perfect moment” — it will not come on its own.

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❌ STOP #3: Keeping It a Family Secret

“We can’t let anyone know about this.”
“It’s a family matter — we should handle it ourselves.”
“Seeking help means we’ve failed as parents.”

I hear these words from parents in Japan every week. And from what I understand, this sentiment is even stronger in many families across Hong Kong and Singapore, where academic achievement and social reputation carry enormous weight.

I want to say this clearly: asking for help is not a sign of failure. It is the first step toward resolution.

When hikikomori becomes prolonged, the parent-child relationship enters a state of deadlock. Parents’ words no longer reach the child. The child feels anxious just seeing their parents’ faces. Both sides are trapped.

What breaks this deadlock is a third party — someone outside the family who can build what we call a “diagonal relationship” with your child. Not a parent. Not a teacher. A different kind of trusted adult.

Sometimes, a single sentence from this person can move a situation that has been frozen for years.

What to do instead:
You don’t need to find the perfect solution. You just need to reach out to one place. Start with one consultation. That is enough.

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When Parents Change, Children Change

In the case of the young man now working at Matsuya, the turning point was not a breakthrough moment for him. It was a breakthrough moment for his parents.

1. They stopped lecturing with logic.
2. They stopped “waiting” passively and sought professional help.
3. They stopped trying to handle everything alone.

When these three things changed, the atmosphere at home changed. When the atmosphere changed, their son’s expression changed. When his expression changed, his behavior slowly began to change.

Hikikomori recovery does not start with fixing the child. It starts with parents deciding what to stop doing.

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Our 3-Step Support Method

At our association, we follow a structured 3-step approach that has been refined over 40 years:

Step 1: Restoring Daily Rhythm
We do not push for school return or employment immediately. First, we help the individual establish a regular wake-up time, regular meals, and a stable daily routine. This is the foundation of everything.

Step 2: Autonomous Learning
Once daily rhythm is restored, we introduce learning at the individual’s own pace — through correspondence high schools, free schools, or self-directed study programs.

Step 3: Social Contribution
The final step involves gradually building connections with society — through part-time work, volunteering, or internships. The young man at Matsuya is an example of someone who reached Step 3.

This step-by-step approach works because it respects the individual’s pace while maintaining forward momentum. It is not about waiting. It is about guided progress.

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The 1,200km Shikoku Pilgrimage Program

One of our most transformative programs is the Shikoku Pilgrimage Walking Program.

Young people who have been in hikikomori walk the entire 88-temple pilgrimage route across Shikoku Island — a journey of 1,200 kilometers (approximately 745 miles).

Many of them can barely walk 10 kilometers on the first day. But over the course of roughly two months, they complete the entire route on foot.

The experience of thinking “I actually did it” becomes a foundation of self-confidence that supports them for the rest of their lives.

Moving their bodies. Living on a regular schedule. Facing themselves in nature. This is what pulls young people away from their screens and back into the world.

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A Message to Parents in Hong Kong and Singapore

I understand that the education systems in Hong Kong and Singapore place immense pressure on children and families. The competition is fierce. The expectations are high. And when a child falls off the expected path, the sense of crisis — and shame — can be overwhelming.

But I want you to know:

• Your child’s withdrawal is not your fault.
• Your child’s withdrawal is not permanent.
• There are proven methods that work.

The approaches we have developed in Japan over four decades are applicable across cultures and languages. The emotional mechanisms of withdrawal, the family dynamics that sustain it, and the steps required to break through — these are remarkably consistent whether the family is in Tokyo, Hong Kong, or Singapore.

If the language barrier concerns you, we are working to expand our support to English-speaking families. Please do not hesitate to reach out.

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About Our Rebrand: JADA (2026)

On April 1, 2026, our organization will be rebranded as:

Japan Autonomous Development Association (JADA)
未来自律支援機構 日本

This new name reflects our evolving mission: to take the knowledge built over 40 years of supporting school refusal and hikikomori in Japan and extend it to a broader scope of youth autonomy support — both domestically and internationally.

Our commitment remains the same: to walk alongside every child and every family until they can walk on their own.

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Take the First Step: Talk to Us for 30 Minutes

If you have read this far, something in this article resonated with you.

Please don’t carry this burden alone.

• Consultations for parents only are welcome — your child does not need to participate
• There is no obligation to enroll in any program
• If all you need is someone to listen, that is perfectly fine

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💡 Consultation & Resources

▼ Free 30-Minute Consultation — The Shortest Route to Your Child’s Autonomy
https://yoboukyoukai.com/soudan/

▼ 16 Real Success Stories Built on 40 Years of Experience
https://yoboukyoukai.com/seikou14/

▼ YouTube: Success Story Interview Collection
Watch on YouTube

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📺 Featured on PIVOT — Over 450,000 Views

Takanori Sugiura’s approach to hikikomori support was featured on PIVOT, one of Japan’s leading YouTube business channels.

▶ Part 1: Watch Part 1
▶ Part 2: Watch Part 2

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📚 Books & Media Coverage

▼ Full list of publications and media appearances:
https://yoboukyoukai.com/media/

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Thank you for reading to the end.

If this article was helpful, please share it with someone who might need it. In Hong Kong. In Singapore. Anywhere a parent is struggling alone.

Takanori Sugiura
Founder & Representative
General Incorporated Association for the Prevention of School Refusal and Hikikomori
Tokyo, Japan